This reverse job application has a happy ending! Click here to read more about it. Though I'm no longer actively looking for a job, I plan to leave the site up for posterity's sake.
Two years out of college and still jobless, I was on the verge of having my dreams crushed forever—thus bypassing the decades of thankless paper-pushing that typically lead to this result. No employer would give my résumé a second glance, no Human Resources manager would line up an interview for me; even the recruiters were slow to return my calls. My dreams of being hired fresh out of college began to appear little more than feverish nonsense, the flickering flame of a candle in a tempest of uncaring and unforgiving societal expectations. The time spent earning my Bachelor's Degree seemed a sorry waste; twinges of regret laced my every memory of the past sixteen years. My world was a dark place.
I headed for the drive-through at McDonald's, eager to take the first few steps toward the early onset heart failure which would make the remainder of my pathetic existence more bearable (if only due to its brevity), thoughts swimming through my head. Also, I just really wanted some Chicken McNuggets. I couldn't figure out why nobody was interested in hiring me. I was young and inexperienced, but surely that's what entry-level jobs were for? I'd sent out volleys of applications to a slew of companies, all of which I was qualified to work for, none of which ever responded. My insistence on writing individual cover letters, tailored to the recipients of every individual application, seemed more and more foolish the longer I dwelled on it. I knew my talents would be an excellent addition to virtually any business, but the entire job-seeking process had eaten away at every shred of self-confidence I once possessed, leaving me an empty husk of a man. As I attempted to relay my order to the hostile, incoherent voice squawking out from the drive-through menu speakers, I could feel bitterness forcing its snaky tendrils into the folds of my mind.
It was in this moment of bleak desperation that I rediscovered myself—in a burst of insight, I realized that for these past two long, painful years I had been content to lie to myself, to tell myself that it was okay to grovel. I had been pretending that it was acceptable for me to humbly ask somebody to do me the favor of hiring me, then to silently move on after the inevitable rejection. But no more! It was time for me to be honest with myself. I drove home in a euphoric daze, my drive-through order secure inside a grease-drenched paper bag in the seat next to me. As the shock from my epiphany faded away, I realized that I now knew exactly what needed to be done. I pulled into my neighborhood, parked on the curb, flung open the front door, dove for my laptop, and began composing my reverse job application.
This is a reverse job application. I am done asking people to hire me, for several reasons. First and foremost, it clearly doesn't work. Second, it closes me off to a lot of potentially amazing opportunities; I can only find and apply to so many jobs, and there are doubtlessly hundreds of thousands out there that I would be a great fit for. Third and finally, the application process undermines my value as a worker. I have gone my entire life consistently producing excellent results at every task I set my mind to, and quite frankly, employers should be coming to me, not the other way around.
These points in mind, I have decided to invert the job application process. You are reading this now, no doubt because you are curious what sort of character honestly believes that he is entitled to have companies send him job offers despite a complete lack of professional work experience or any demonstrations of his purported talents. You are right to be curious, so I have taken the liberty of sketching up some diagrams to illustrate exactly what it is that I bring to the table as a potential employee. I'm sure you are already racking your brain trying to think up a job position to offer me that will pique my interest, but in the unlikely case that you are not, I am confident that a quick review of my credentials in this format will win you over.
Once you've made up your mind about how much you want me to work with your company (before you ask, yes, "infinitely much" is indeed an acceptable answer here), please review my listed qualifications and criteria for prospective employers. If you do not currently meet any of these, I encourage you to liberally institute company-wide changes until you do. Obviously, I will favor those job offers which fulfill my listed preferences, but you shouldn't worry too much if you don't meet all of them; just be sure to let me know exactly what it is that you feel your company has to offer me. Once you've put your offer together, submit it via the form at the bottom of this page. Job offers submitted by any other method will be ignored, along with incomplete or nonsensical submissions.
I will review job offers as they are submitted. If your offer does not receive a response within a day or two, it is probably because I was not impressed with your terms, job description, or writing style. Feel free to resubmit your offer, but please bear in mind that first impressions are important, and subsequent offers are more likely to be outright ignored.
In the event that your offer does strike my fancy, I will contact you to discuss the details of the job and schedule an interview to ensure that your company meets my standards for employment. Should the interview process go well, I will be available for work almost immediately (I may require one to two weeks for relocation, depending on the distance and terms of the job). We will live happily ever after, or something to that extent.
- Creative. If you want things done the way they always have been, we probably aren't going to get along. If, on the other hand, you're always looking for new solutions to old problems, I'd like to hear from you.
- Perfectly capable of obtaining my own snacks and beverages. I know several of you may take pride in keeping your employee lounge fridges well-stocked, but I'm looking for a workplace that offers me something slightly more compelling than free Red Bull.
- A leader in inexperienced professionalism. My years of unemployment have given me many opportunities to avoid picking up bad habits from your competitors.
- Hoping to learn new things. If you work in a niche industry and don't think that I'll be interested in what you have to offer, do not allow that doubt to prevent you from contacting me; we may both end up pleasantly surprised.
- Usually wearing clothes. I promise to wear pants to any interviews and on most work days.
- Authorized to work in the United States on a full-time basis. There may be exceptions on alternating Thursdays and for a three week period in March.
- Able to respond to feedback in a timely manner. This page uses valid HTML markup now (no more imgs inside of uls).
i am not:
- Going to bother posting a résumé here. If you really care which programming languages I already know or which applications I have used before, I can only assume that you're overlooking my ability to quickly pick up new technologies and adjust to new ways of thinking. I would encourage you to correct this, as it is a mistake.
- A robot. I have a sense of humor, and I hope that you do, as well.
- A circus elephant. I will not work for peanuts, no matter how much I might enjoy performing tricks in front of a cheering, screaming crowd. Or whatever it is you'll have me doing.
- A mercenary. There are jobs I am not willing to do for legal, ethical, or personal reasons, regardless of the price tag attached.
- A lone wolf. I do fantastic work on my own, but you will get the best results by teaming me up with other talented individuals. Having a group that I can rely on and bounce ideas off of increases my productivity drastically.
- A robot, again. Any automated messages that wind up in my inbox will be discarded promptly; your propaganda is not welcome here, mechanical scum.
- Opposed to relocating. This is especially true if your job offer will place me somewhere more exciting than Jacksonville, Florida (spoiler alert: it probably will).
- Possess strong written, verbal and interpersonal communication skills. If you can't tell the difference between "you're" and "your", your never going to be able to get you're points across to me.
- Be passionate about your industry and your work. If you dread going in to work every day, then I dread being asked to suffer alongside you.
- Be unique. Stand out in your industry, and your offer will stand out as well. If I wanted "everybody else", I'd probably work for somebody else.
- Relish in a little nonsense now and then. I'm easy to get along with, but I can't promise not to rock the boat on occasion.
- Encourage me to make new friends. Networking opportunities will help me grow and ensure that my ideas stay fresh. The ideal candidate for employing will offer plenty of chances for me to meet new people.
- Encourage me to go outside. I love travel, and also I'm kind of pale. Two birds, one stone, et cetera. A job that offers many travel opportunities stands a stronger chance of winning me over.
- Appreciate the sanctity of Tacky Tie Tuesdays. Relax, I'm only kidding. Every day is Tacky Tie day.